So when I publish the "heavier" posts, it is because sometimes, I feel the need to write things down, to get stuff out of my head, to gain clarity and to calm down. This is my outlet for doing that. It's what works for me. Sometimes having other people read it is good, because it can be encouraging, can provide me with perspective, support and feedback. After all, why would you publish a blog if you didn't want the feedback from the readers, right?
But sometimes I just need to write it down. To get it off my chest and out of my head. Sometimes the actual process of typing it out, erasing, writing it again a different way, figuring out the best sequence of words, making it flow and sound good when I read it back, is what I needed most. Sometimes by the end of that process, before I even press the "publish" button, I feel much better. Then I publish it because I am proud of what I have written and how it reads.
Sometimes I don't publish it because what I wrote is a little too personal or direct and I do not want to create confrontation. I just need to get it out of my head and this is the way in which I choose to do that. The hardest thing about blogging is bearing your soul to strangers, and opening yourself to whatever that may bring.
But some of the best blogs are the personal ones, the ones the writers struggle with, and debate about how personal to get, how much of it to put out there for the world to critique. These are their innermost feelings after all. But it's those blogs that are well read and responded to because that's what readers identify with - the struggles, the pain, the not so sunshiney feelings. It's always a relief to know you are not alone in whatever you are dealing with.
Here's where I am right now: Reflecting.
I have vaguely referred to some events that have taken place in my life that have had a significant effect on me. Events that have brought about many changes, the majority of which I didn't see coming, didn't expect, and didn't want.
It's been difficult.
No. It's been hard. Really Really Hard.
These "events" have brought some of the hardest decisions, realizations and changes that I have ever experienced. And these "events" to which I vaguely refer, and will not specifically address, have come one after another, really without warning, catching me off guard and unprepared.
As a result, I am a different person than I used to be.
I have changed.
I do not have the patience I used to. A lot of it has been spent discussing, analyzing and worrying about things I wish I didn't have to, things I shouldn't have to, things I have no control over and yet take control of me. It has made me look at and listen to other's people's problems and wonder what they would do if they had mine. It has forced me to gain perspective on what really is important in the grand scheme of things, and what isn't...what is really worth worrying about, and what isn't. I care very little about some stuff that I used to care a lot about because I just don't have the patience anymore.
A wall has been built. There are some topics of conversation, some events, some things I just cannot deal with, do not want to deal with...that just put me in a bad mood immediately. It's like the word association game you know? you say a certain word and another word comes to mind? With me, certain things, certain words, certain days automatically create negativity within me. It's not always warranted, or fair, but it's automatic. It's gradually crept in over time and from repeated processes and I feel little control over it. It kind of ties into having less patience. In some cases I don't want to go there anymore. I can't go there anymore, and if I am forced to go there again, I feel negativity immediately, and I can't even try to hide it. Everyone around me, especially those closest to me, know it, feel it and don't like it. Very few understand it. My coping mechanism is to just not go there. It may not be permanent, and I hope it isn't, but it's the way I need to be right now. Unfortunately, I am often forced to go there.
I have retreated. My husband and children have always been the most important thing to me, of course. This has been amplified. I enjoy my time at home even more. I WANT to be at home even more. There are things I don't want to do as much anymore. This is hard for many to understand and accept. But then there are things I want to do more than I used to. It doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to go out, would rather stay home. Sometimes I do want to go out, but only to certain places, not others. Sometimes I want to talk to someone, but only that certain someone, not just anyone. I feel much more focused on my own life, my own wants, my own needs, and those of my husband and kids. And feel like for the most part, that is enough for me right now.
but through this I have also gained appreciation.
First and foremost, for my brother. He is 5 years younger than me, and is at a completely different place in his life than I am, but, once again, life events have cemented our bond. Through it all, year in and year out, I have him and he has me. I have relied on him as though he were my big brother, not my little brother. I have called him out of duty, out of frustation, with worry and in tears. There are some things about me and the way I am that no one on this Earth understands as well as my brother does. Some things no one has patience for but him. During the times that no one else got it, or could help me, he did. And he does. We have an undescribable bond.
My husband. Where I have lost patience, he has gained it. Where I have lacked, he has stepped up. Whatever I deal with, he has to as well, and he has proven his salt. There is no way I could have made it through some days, or some nights, without his stability, his protection, and his patience. During a recent conversation with a good friend who "gets" it, all of it, and has for years, I said "I would never want to live this life without having him in it, it's not just that I need him here (Which I do, very much), it's that I want him here. I cannot imagine living this life without him being right here with me."
Ohhhhhh friendship. It's a tricky thing isn't it? I have friends that I have had for 15 years that I don't talk to very often, but know my story well. I see them very occasionally, but when I do they are able to soothe my soul in a matter of minutes. They know that I have changed, but know who I am. They are patient. They "get" me. And for that, I thank them. I also have friendships that are much newer in comparison, but are worth their weight in gold. Over the last little while a few of my friendships have deepened considerably due to similarities we wished we didn't have, due to shared outlooks, and...I don't know...friendships that have deepened, just because we were destined to be friends I guess. I have been blessed with some very special people in my life who seem to have a sixth sense about me. Whether it is a 3 hr phone conversation, a very well timed facebook message, visit, or bottle of wine dropped off on my doorstep with no explanation needed (very appreciated by the way) , knowing when to ask, and knowing when not to ask...some people just know. and Thank God for that.
I know I have changed. And those who have known me forever know it too. I feel like it was and is out of my control, and sometimes I have to make a very conscious effort to not come across negative, or short, or uncaring. Sometimes I come across that way without even realizing it until later. It's tough.
I am not a perfect person, and I have not had perfect experiences in my life. I think I am right in the midst of some stuff right now that I will be able to look back on awhile from now and analyze and make sense of it all much better than I am currently.
But when you are right in the thick of it, your perspective isn't always clear, doesn't always make sense. You say and do things you know you shouldn't but can't seem to stop yourself from doing. You need to take time to step back, review and reflect.
The purpose of this post is self serving. It was a way for me to get stuff out of my head, off of my chest, and work my way through it. I struggled with whether or not to publish it, and for the first time since beginning this blog 3 years ago, I had others proof it before I published it. I struggled with whether or not to publish it because I wasn't sure I was open to the possible feedback. Some know exactly what I am not saying in this blog, and no, I don't need to talk about it with anyone...this is my way of dealing. This is not a happy, sunshiney post, but this is part of who I am right now. It doesn't change anything about who I am as a whole, or who you maybe thought I was... that's all there too...but yeah, I am human, and have "stuff". This is my blog, my outlet, and for today, this is the type of outlet I need it to be.
I do not want anyone to "fix" anything, to "change" anything or to "do" anything. I just wanted to explain. For specific people to understand. This is just me, working it out.
Stay tuned for another Happy Sunshiney post coming soon!