Letting go of my hand...

Today was the big day – the first day of Grade 1. Going to a new school, all day every day, with a new teacher and a new group of classmates. We purposely didn’t talk about it much yesterday or last night, trying to avoid those first day jitters that can keep you awake long past bedtime.

After a good night’s sleep Makenna woke up happy and in a good mood. In the bathroom she confessed to her Dad that she was “nervous”…"I don’t know who my teacher is…What if I don’t know anyone?” While I was doing her hair she said something to the same effect and asked why I couldn't be a teacher that worked at her school. I tried to reassure her that she would know lots of people, that she knew lots of kids in Grade 1 and surely at least one would be in her class.

We met up with some friends so we could walk to school together. As soon as she saw them she was off running up ahead with them, laughing and joking; the confident girl that she’s always been. As we neared her new school however, she hung closer to my side and wanted to hold my hand. Once we arrived on the school playground she clung tightly to it, not wanting to go play on the equipment or talk to former classmates unless I was right beside her. Having been used to a Kindergarten only playground for the past 2 years, I think she was overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids, and parents, many of them strangers she had never seen before. I will admit it took a minute for me to get used to too.

Her two and a half year old brother however, oblivious to his sister’s apprehension, was off and running. A brand new playground he had never seen before! A slide! So much open space! So many kids to play with! I asked Makenna to go get her brother, and, feeling important, she ventured away from my side – just a bit.

Then it was time to take Jack over to Jodi who would then take him home with her so they could start their day while I accompanied Makenna into school to find out who her teacher was before I went to work. As we said goodbye to Jack and headed back over to the Primary doors, she grabbed my hand again and announced that she was “really nervous”.

As we walked into the school she tugged on my shirt and whispered “Whatever you do, don’t let go of my hand okay? Promise me!”

I smiled at the irony of this moment, a moment where after 6 years of relentlessly reminding her to stay with me, to not get too far ahead, to hold on to my hand I was about to hand her over to another adult for the next 6 hours, an adult I had never met, and she was the one begging me not to let go. The irony of how much easier she had walked into school 2 years ago, when it really was her very first day, the day I really did have to hold back tears and refrain from asking her not to let go.

Once in the gym, we were met with the chaos of every other student in that school, and many of their parents, searching for friends, finding a place to sit and waiting to hear their names called. Makenna found a couple of her girlfriends and hand in hand, with backpacks almost as big as they were, the three of them made their way to the front of the gym and sat down amongst the other kids. I had spotted Makenna’s name on one of the doors as we had been walking down the hall, so I knew where she was headed but I waited and watched with the other parents as class by class, this new year, the first year in this new building, began.

Makenna’s new teacher came forward and called out the names of her students and upon hearing her name Makenna shot up out of the crowd and quickly joined the line. She was happy to have a friend joining her who had been with her the previous two years, and when the name of another girl that also goes to Jodi’s house and is in the grade ahead of Makenna was called, and she joined the line too, Makenna actually jumped up and down and clapped.
As her class began to file out, Makenna turned and found me among the parents at the back of the gym and flashed me a big grin. I smiled back and gave her the thumbs up sign, which she enthusiastically returned.

It’s official. My little girl is one of the big kids now, among a split class where there are 7 grade one students and 13 grade two students.

When I checked in with her from work at the end of the day, she proclaimed the first day of school to be “Awesome!”.

I suspect that may have been the last time she and I share a first day of school “Whatever You Do, Don’t Let Go Of My Hand…” type of moment and even though it lasted only a few minutes…even though she quickly reverted back to her exuberant, confident, happy self, I’m glad I took the first hour of my workday off, I’m glad I was able to be there when she wanted and needed her Mommy, and I am so glad that I got to see, with my own eyes, that big smile and thumbs up sign as she walked out of that gym and off to all that awaits her in Grade 1.